Today’s Slap O’ Sense Award goes to any and all who accuse law enforcement of lacking imaginative ways of fighting crime.
Oh boy, are you wrong.
In all fairness, sometimes police officers do exactly what you expect them to. They arrest the bad guys, help the good guys and eat any suspicious-looking donuts.
Yay.
They even go above and beyond the call of duty. Such as the off-duty policeman who followed San Diego Chargers’ Steve Foley erratically-driven automobile for 20 miles outside his jurisdiction and, after Foley got out of his car, shot him, but only after he shot a “warning shot into the bushes and two shots toward the sky.”
I always thought “toward the sky” meant “up” but maybe they do things differently in Coronado.
That would never happen in Oregon where I live now. Here law enforcement officers of all departments are fully aware of the stiff penalties that can result from shooting an unarmed shrubbery. We not only hug our trees here; we hug the bushes as best as we can but it’s kind of hard because they have so many pokey things.
I think that’s the state motto.
But don’t think they’re too quick to play cops and robbers only in southern California. If you’re a criminal, be grateful you don’t live in Kenya. There the police shoot the suspects rather than go to the trouble of arresting them.
I kid you not.
Over a seven-year period, 70 percent of all gunshot deaths were a result of police bullets. And get this; it doesn’t work!
The Commission Chairman said “Police have been killing robbery suspects for more than ten years but this has not deterred criminal activity.”
I guess killing suspects without due process is not considered a “criminal activity.” Either that or the robbery suspects are too slow to outrun bullets or just dumber than dirt. Here are words to live by: If you’re going to commit robbery don’t do it in Texas or Kenya.
Brazil’s civil police regularly use torture to extract forced confessions and THEN do the investigation.
I guess it would cut down on the paperwork but personally, I would rather they sacrifice a few rain forests in the interests of justice.
What I truly appreciate is those creative departments who use music.
The Waco Incident was reported as a widespread failure on the part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) because of the botched raid and subsequent “early exit” by the members of the Branch Davidian cult.
What was underreported was that during the siege, the ATF blasted “music, including Tibetan chants and Christmas music through the night to disorientate Koresh and his followers.”
By the third chorus of “Sleigh Bells,” anyone would contemplate suicide. Throw in some Tibetan chants and I think we’d all march off the cliff like lemmings.
President Manuel Noriega of Panama was also tortured during the military standoff. Heavy metal and hip-hop music was blasted in order “to try to get the General to surrender.” It worked but Amnesty International has filed a protest.
An Australian local council in Rockdale is using “Barry Manilow and Doris Day to chase away car enthusiasts who were gathering on weekend nights.”
However, residents living near the park are quite upset. “They say the barrage of ‘Copacabana,’ ‘Could It Be Magic,’ and ‘Que Sera Sera’ blasting from 9 pm to midnight every Friday, Saturday and Sunday is driving them crazy.”
Point well taken. I’m not sure the Australian authorities have thought this all the way through. Do they really want residents and car enthusiasts en masse shaving their heads in anguish and committing gory suicide like the Branch Davidians? A bunch of angry, bald and enraged Australians on the verge of despair may be yet another sign of the Apocalypse. If it’s not; it should be.
While I normally would applaud creativity and ingenuity in fighting crime, I think the Tijuana Police force may need to adjust tactics. Currently, they are defending themselves with slingshots.
Two weeks ago President Calderon sent more than 3000 soldiers and federal police to the area to hunt down drug gangs. But some of these same officers of the law decided to use their guns to help the traffickers. So, the police department “has issued 60 slingshots and bags of ball bearings to officers still on patrol.”
King David not withstanding, I really don’t think slingshots and ball bearings are going to be effective against Goliath drug dealers.
I’m sorry but my pitiful imagination just can’t see that.
www.lynetteisfunny.com
www.slaposense.com
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
Secret Service Slap O' Sense Award 1/22/07
Today’s Slap O’ Sense award goes to (insert drum roll here) The United States Secret Service!
Please hold your applause until after hearing the entire list of honored activities. You will truly be amazed and your hands will thank you for waiting to clap until the end. They will probably show their appreciation with the famous yoga position: (POBACA) Patting Oneself on the Back While Attempting to Cover One’s Ass.
The Secret Service not only has a Vision Statement, they also have a Mission Statement. We all know how completely useless it would be to have one and not the other. Truly a wise expenditure of your tax money, indeed.
VISION STATEMENT
"Building on a Tradition of Excellence and Meeting the Challenges of the Future."
MISSION STATEMENT
The United States Secret Service is mandated by statute and executive order to carry out two significant missions: protection and criminal investigations. The Secret Service protects the President and Vice President, their families, heads of state, and other designated individuals; investigates threats against these protectees; protects the White House, Vice President’s Residence, Foreign Missions, and other buildings within Washington, D.C.; and plans and implements security designs for designated National Special Security Events. The Secret Service also investigates violations of laws relating to counterfeiting of obligations and securities of the United States; financial crimes that include, but are not limited to, access device fraud, financial institution fraud, identity theft, computer fraud; and computer-based attacks on our nation’s financial, banking, and telecommunications infrastructure.
Wow! Try to get that on a t-shirt or bumper sticker! Of course, you can’t because that would probably earn you a visit from The Secret Service which would be only slightly less credible than Men In Black. Just a warning: if you have a pug named Frank, he may be confiscated.
Your Secret Service organization has been very hard at work of late. So many of their triumphs and tribulations go unreported which is a shame given how much we all need to laugh so hard we wet ourselves on occasion.
For example, (and you knew there would be multiple examples; didn’t you?) consider this recent Press Release.
“The United States Secret Service today (March 28, 2006) made public an ongoing undercover operation called Operation Rolling Stone which has targeted online fraud and identity theft through criminal web forums since 2005.”
Maybe it’s just an argument in semantics but once an “ongoing undercover operation” is “made public,” doesn’t it cease to be undercover? I know, I know: po-tay-to, po-tah-to, but I think it’s a point that must be made.
The more serious aspect though is that there is every indication that despite having the world’s strongest military force, Mick Jagger has infiltrated the highest level of our government. Our parents warned us about The Rolling Stones and their “devil music” and long hair and ugly clothes. Well, are you happy now Hippie Generation? If Secret Service agents are photographed in vertically-striped pants and Keith Richards hair, we have only ourselves to blame now don’t we?
And I’m sure I speak for all when I say the very sight of a Secret Service agent “boogying down” is not a sight for the faint of heart or the hairless of chest. Dark shades do not a cool dude make.
But the real crisis in Secret Service Land is of a more sinister nature. Apparently, they have Too Much Time on Their Hands which is a song by Styx. Do you really need another sign of the Apocalypse?
Back in October of 2006, the Secret Service in their role of Protector (see Mission Statement above) decided our President was in danger from a 20-year-old college student who posted the following statement:
“Save a tree. Kill a Bush.”
Don’t you all feel much safer now? I know I do. We can’t have tree-hugging individuals running around unfettered when we are a Country At War. For God’s sakes; anyone can see that being “green” is just handing over the USA to the terrorists in a hand basket. Let’s just give them the apple pie while we’re at it.
Also around that time of year, the Secret Service was busy, busy, busy on that major threat to motherhood, God and chocolate-chip cookies, MySpace.
A fourteen-year-old high schooler was taken out of class for making death threats against the President. She had written “Kill Bush” on her MySpace page but without the “Save Tree” comment. So, she wasn’t a complete communist like the college student was.
The young lady said the Secret Service agents “…yelled at me a lot. They were unnecessarily mean.”
We all know that the function of the United States Secret Service is to be ONLY necessarily mean. But even the best of government organizations can slip up once or twice.
Or three times.
An 81-year-old man in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania received a visit because he wrote a letter to the editor of his local newspaper.
He wrote the following regarding Saddam Hussein’s execution: “They hanged the wrong man.”
May I point out that he did not write who he thought the “right man” would be? May I also point out that of all the threats our country is facing: gay marriage, water bottles on airplanes, ugly hybrid cars, Bill O’ Reilly appearing on The Colbert Report, Fox news and “Family Guy,” that 81-year-old letter-writing angry, old men are just at the top of any list that would make a lick of sense.
So slurp it up United States Secret Service. You have received The Slap O’ Sense. Keep up the good work.
There are unemployed humor writers EVERYWHERE.
Please hold your applause until after hearing the entire list of honored activities. You will truly be amazed and your hands will thank you for waiting to clap until the end. They will probably show their appreciation with the famous yoga position: (POBACA) Patting Oneself on the Back While Attempting to Cover One’s Ass.
The Secret Service not only has a Vision Statement, they also have a Mission Statement. We all know how completely useless it would be to have one and not the other. Truly a wise expenditure of your tax money, indeed.
VISION STATEMENT
"Building on a Tradition of Excellence and Meeting the Challenges of the Future."
MISSION STATEMENT
The United States Secret Service is mandated by statute and executive order to carry out two significant missions: protection and criminal investigations. The Secret Service protects the President and Vice President, their families, heads of state, and other designated individuals; investigates threats against these protectees; protects the White House, Vice President’s Residence, Foreign Missions, and other buildings within Washington, D.C.; and plans and implements security designs for designated National Special Security Events. The Secret Service also investigates violations of laws relating to counterfeiting of obligations and securities of the United States; financial crimes that include, but are not limited to, access device fraud, financial institution fraud, identity theft, computer fraud; and computer-based attacks on our nation’s financial, banking, and telecommunications infrastructure.
Wow! Try to get that on a t-shirt or bumper sticker! Of course, you can’t because that would probably earn you a visit from The Secret Service which would be only slightly less credible than Men In Black. Just a warning: if you have a pug named Frank, he may be confiscated.
Your Secret Service organization has been very hard at work of late. So many of their triumphs and tribulations go unreported which is a shame given how much we all need to laugh so hard we wet ourselves on occasion.
For example, (and you knew there would be multiple examples; didn’t you?) consider this recent Press Release.
“The United States Secret Service today (March 28, 2006) made public an ongoing undercover operation called Operation Rolling Stone which has targeted online fraud and identity theft through criminal web forums since 2005.”
Maybe it’s just an argument in semantics but once an “ongoing undercover operation” is “made public,” doesn’t it cease to be undercover? I know, I know: po-tay-to, po-tah-to, but I think it’s a point that must be made.
The more serious aspect though is that there is every indication that despite having the world’s strongest military force, Mick Jagger has infiltrated the highest level of our government. Our parents warned us about The Rolling Stones and their “devil music” and long hair and ugly clothes. Well, are you happy now Hippie Generation? If Secret Service agents are photographed in vertically-striped pants and Keith Richards hair, we have only ourselves to blame now don’t we?
And I’m sure I speak for all when I say the very sight of a Secret Service agent “boogying down” is not a sight for the faint of heart or the hairless of chest. Dark shades do not a cool dude make.
But the real crisis in Secret Service Land is of a more sinister nature. Apparently, they have Too Much Time on Their Hands which is a song by Styx. Do you really need another sign of the Apocalypse?
Back in October of 2006, the Secret Service in their role of Protector (see Mission Statement above) decided our President was in danger from a 20-year-old college student who posted the following statement:
“Save a tree. Kill a Bush.”
Don’t you all feel much safer now? I know I do. We can’t have tree-hugging individuals running around unfettered when we are a Country At War. For God’s sakes; anyone can see that being “green” is just handing over the USA to the terrorists in a hand basket. Let’s just give them the apple pie while we’re at it.
Also around that time of year, the Secret Service was busy, busy, busy on that major threat to motherhood, God and chocolate-chip cookies, MySpace.
A fourteen-year-old high schooler was taken out of class for making death threats against the President. She had written “Kill Bush” on her MySpace page but without the “Save Tree” comment. So, she wasn’t a complete communist like the college student was.
The young lady said the Secret Service agents “…yelled at me a lot. They were unnecessarily mean.”
We all know that the function of the United States Secret Service is to be ONLY necessarily mean. But even the best of government organizations can slip up once or twice.
Or three times.
An 81-year-old man in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania received a visit because he wrote a letter to the editor of his local newspaper.
He wrote the following regarding Saddam Hussein’s execution: “They hanged the wrong man.”
May I point out that he did not write who he thought the “right man” would be? May I also point out that of all the threats our country is facing: gay marriage, water bottles on airplanes, ugly hybrid cars, Bill O’ Reilly appearing on The Colbert Report, Fox news and “Family Guy,” that 81-year-old letter-writing angry, old men are just at the top of any list that would make a lick of sense.
So slurp it up United States Secret Service. You have received The Slap O’ Sense. Keep up the good work.
There are unemployed humor writers EVERYWHERE.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Hi and welcome to Slap O' Sense!
Life goes on. With or without my approval or cooperation; life does go on.
If being a lifelong San Diego Chargers and Padres fan has taught me anything, there IS always next year.
But I think I my skill for heavy sighing is at an Olympic level.
My heart has been broken so many times; I should have a Band-Aid tattooed on my chest. Or maybe a giant arrow with the following directions: If your team lost again, then stomp here.
Sigh.
The San Diego Chargers started in Los Angeles in the American Football League in 1960. They moved to San Diego in 1961 and I arrived shortly thereafter.
Kind of a Zen-cosmic connection, don’t you think?
The San Diego Padres arrived in 1969 and Mr. Ray Kroc saved the franchise in 1974 thereby doubling my pain and misery.
You see, I have no choice. My home town is San Diego and no matter how long I’ve lived in Oregon (ten years,) San Diego will always be home.
Just because the Chargers have been eliminated from the playoffs doesn’t mean I’m going to switch allegiances. What, you expect me to cheer for the Patriots, Colts, Bears or Saints?
Right.
The Chargers had another infamous period in the team history that revolved around the selection and signing of Ryan Leaf as quarterback.
Ryan Leaf was, how should I put this: special. So special, that my best friend Nancy, who is also a lifelong Chargers and Padres fan, and I offered our services to the team.
Nancy has been an elementary school teacher in the San Diego Unified School District for lo, these many years. She teaches fourth grade. I have been a mother for almost 16 years and am currently living with. and not killing at all, two teenagers. Between the two of us, we don’t tolerate a great deal.
So when Ryan Leaf chose to express himself in, what we believed to be, unacceptable terms, we thoughtfully and without any consideration for our own personal glory, mind you, offered to “counsel” Mr. Leaf.
We figured that in our shared effort, it would take about a week or so to “educate” the Chargers quarterback in the proper way of behaving. Nancy preferred the use of a cattle prod while I leaned more heavily toward the Indiana Jones-type of bullwhip. My thinking was that I would also get to wear that cool hat.
Believe it or not, the San Diego Chargers organization did not respond to our kind and generous offer. Incredible though it may be, apparently there are all kinds of pesky laws and legal liability issues involved.
This year, there is more than one player who prevented Nancy and me from enjoying watching our beloved Chargers in the Super Bowl. Far be it from me to name names but know that LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers are not two of them. I understand the correct football terminology would be, “Duh!” But there are others. Many, many others. And they know who they are. Obviously, the cost of multiple cattle prods and/or Indiana Jones-type bullwhips would be prohibitive; therefore I have come up with an alternate solution for this year’s players in need of gentle correction.
Once you hear of my idea, if you have any venture capital lying around the house, you will not be able to restrain yourself from flinging it in my general direction. I may set up a PayPal account just for this purpose alone.
I call it The Slap O’ Sense. I have even set up my very own blog so that you may add your own suggestions of those who deserve and/or need The Slap O’ Sense.
Think about it. Politicians, world leaders, public figures of any ilk and sort, celebrities, football players, idiots who are incapable of using the self-check yet insist on attempting to do so in front of you, religious icons, talk-show hosts, annoying drivers of automobiles who refuse to use their turn signals correctly would all be eligible for The Slap O’ Sense. Imagine how much better the world, in general, and your own life, in particular, would be if you could respond to irritations, large and small, with the Slap O’ Sense. It wouldn’t leave scars like cattle prods and bullwhips, it’s quick and easy to use, and oh, how much better everyone would feel afterwards. You would be able to express yourself succinctly and distinctly, the individual or group would receive much needed correction and we could all sit down for a hot chocolate-chip cookie afterwards.
You can go here to www.slaposense.com and let your voice be heard. Just a word of advice: don’t pound the keyboard too hard. If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to conserve your strength to type your entire list.
If being a lifelong San Diego Chargers and Padres fan has taught me anything, there IS always next year.
But I think I my skill for heavy sighing is at an Olympic level.
My heart has been broken so many times; I should have a Band-Aid tattooed on my chest. Or maybe a giant arrow with the following directions: If your team lost again, then stomp here.
Sigh.
The San Diego Chargers started in Los Angeles in the American Football League in 1960. They moved to San Diego in 1961 and I arrived shortly thereafter.
Kind of a Zen-cosmic connection, don’t you think?
The San Diego Padres arrived in 1969 and Mr. Ray Kroc saved the franchise in 1974 thereby doubling my pain and misery.
You see, I have no choice. My home town is San Diego and no matter how long I’ve lived in Oregon (ten years,) San Diego will always be home.
Just because the Chargers have been eliminated from the playoffs doesn’t mean I’m going to switch allegiances. What, you expect me to cheer for the Patriots, Colts, Bears or Saints?
Right.
The Chargers had another infamous period in the team history that revolved around the selection and signing of Ryan Leaf as quarterback.
Ryan Leaf was, how should I put this: special. So special, that my best friend Nancy, who is also a lifelong Chargers and Padres fan, and I offered our services to the team.
Nancy has been an elementary school teacher in the San Diego Unified School District for lo, these many years. She teaches fourth grade. I have been a mother for almost 16 years and am currently living with. and not killing at all, two teenagers. Between the two of us, we don’t tolerate a great deal.
So when Ryan Leaf chose to express himself in, what we believed to be, unacceptable terms, we thoughtfully and without any consideration for our own personal glory, mind you, offered to “counsel” Mr. Leaf.
We figured that in our shared effort, it would take about a week or so to “educate” the Chargers quarterback in the proper way of behaving. Nancy preferred the use of a cattle prod while I leaned more heavily toward the Indiana Jones-type of bullwhip. My thinking was that I would also get to wear that cool hat.
Believe it or not, the San Diego Chargers organization did not respond to our kind and generous offer. Incredible though it may be, apparently there are all kinds of pesky laws and legal liability issues involved.
This year, there is more than one player who prevented Nancy and me from enjoying watching our beloved Chargers in the Super Bowl. Far be it from me to name names but know that LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers are not two of them. I understand the correct football terminology would be, “Duh!” But there are others. Many, many others. And they know who they are. Obviously, the cost of multiple cattle prods and/or Indiana Jones-type bullwhips would be prohibitive; therefore I have come up with an alternate solution for this year’s players in need of gentle correction.
Once you hear of my idea, if you have any venture capital lying around the house, you will not be able to restrain yourself from flinging it in my general direction. I may set up a PayPal account just for this purpose alone.
I call it The Slap O’ Sense. I have even set up my very own blog so that you may add your own suggestions of those who deserve and/or need The Slap O’ Sense.
Think about it. Politicians, world leaders, public figures of any ilk and sort, celebrities, football players, idiots who are incapable of using the self-check yet insist on attempting to do so in front of you, religious icons, talk-show hosts, annoying drivers of automobiles who refuse to use their turn signals correctly would all be eligible for The Slap O’ Sense. Imagine how much better the world, in general, and your own life, in particular, would be if you could respond to irritations, large and small, with the Slap O’ Sense. It wouldn’t leave scars like cattle prods and bullwhips, it’s quick and easy to use, and oh, how much better everyone would feel afterwards. You would be able to express yourself succinctly and distinctly, the individual or group would receive much needed correction and we could all sit down for a hot chocolate-chip cookie afterwards.
You can go here to www.slaposense.com and let your voice be heard. Just a word of advice: don’t pound the keyboard too hard. If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to conserve your strength to type your entire list.
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