Recent events have necessitated an early return from the summer recess to award another Slap O’ Sense Award.
Today’s honoree is anyone, anywhere at any time who has ever applauded Barry Bonds.
You pinheads.
I love the game. I have always loved the game.
Over the years, I have seen some of the best who have ever played the game. I saw Johnny Bench catch. I saw Ozzie Smith do his back flip at shortstop. I saw Goose Gossage pitch. I saw Dave Winfield back when he was in that butt-ugly uniform the San Diego Padres gave him, #31.
I was sitting in the stands in Dodger Stadium when Reggie Jackson hit two home runs in a World Series game.
I saw the lean years of my San Diego Padres. Actually, most of their years have been lean. But I was there in 1984 when they beat the Chicago Cubs on a Sunday afternoon that sent them to their first World Series ever.
I also saw Pete Rose play. But Pete Rose is not in The Baseball Hall of Fame. He will never be in The Hall. Because Pete Rose broke the rules, his 4,256 hits are worthless.
But who is in The Baseball Hall of Fame? They’re not all angels. They’re flawed. They had their personal issues and demons to battle. But for the most part, they are there because they loved the game. Most of them would have probably played for free.
For example, look at the most recent inductees: Cal Ripkin, Jr. and Tony Gwynn.
Both gentlemen stayed with their original teams for their entire careers. Both men were pillars of their respective communities. There was never the slightest taint to any of their accomplishments. These humble men took the talent the good Lord gave them and then honed their natural abilities until they were razor sharp. And it showed.
I went to college with Tony Gwynn. When he received contract offers from both the NBA Clippers and MLB Padres, we thought he would play basketball. To be honest, he wasn’t all that great a baseball player. Yet.
He chose baseball and then he chose to make himself the best player he could be. He was one of the first players to really use video. He studied his swing and improved it to win eight batting titles. He worked on his fielding, his one weak spot if he had one, and was rewarded with five Golden Gloves. He is Mr. Padre and the people of San Diego are justifiably so proud of him, they could weep as one.
And then there is Barry Bonds.
Yes, he has natural ability. Hand-eye coordination cannot be taught and coming from the baseball family that he did, he knew what was required to play the game.
But he cheats.
I know you can bulk up on your own using weights. I know you can alter your diet to be a more effective athlete. But using drugs, of any kind and in any form, to improve one’s performance is a slap in the face of all who truly love the game.
If you have any doubt whatsoever that Barry Bonds uses steroids, look at a photo of him when he was a rookie with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Look at his head. Notice the size.
The human head does not really change its size too much over a lifetime. Once you are past puberty, you’re not going to change your hat size or get any taller. That is, if you’re human.
If you’re a chemically-enhanced freak, however, those rules no longer apply.
The bulbous pumpkin currently residing on top of Barry Bonds’ shoulders would make Ichabod Crane swoon. It is really all the proof one needs.
I know there are other players who also use steroids, too. They are cheaters, too. They should all be permanently banned from playing and they deserve all of the health consequences that they will suffer because of their substance abuse.
But to have Barry Bonds even mentioned in the same category as a gentleman such as Hank Aaron is just wrong. An asterisk after the number is not enough. The damage that Barry Bonds has done to the wonderful game of baseball should result in his being removed from all of the records and he should be permanently ineligible to enter The Baseball Hall of Fame.
He’s a disgrace.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Warming Up to Hell
L. Roy Taylor, chairman of the National Association of Evangelicals, Focus on the Family Chairman James Dobson and others said the Reverend Richard Cizik’s (also of the NAE) activism on global warming is “a threat to the unity and integrity” of the organization.
“The issue that is dividing and demoralizing the NAE and its leaders is related to global warming. If he cannot be trusted to articulate the views of American evangelicals on environmental issues, then we respectfully suggest that he be encouraged to resign his position in the NAE.”
Now, tell me; did you really wonder who was going to get my Slap O’ Sense Award this week?
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, made up of hundreds of scientists from 113 countries, said that based on new research over the last six years, it is 90 percent certain that human-generated greenhouse gases account for most of the global rise in temperatures over the past half-century. Declaring that "warming of the climate system is unequivocal," the authors said in their "Summary for Policymakers" that even in the best-case scenario, temperatures are on track to cross a threshold to an unsustainable level. A rise of more than 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit above pre-industrial levels would cause global effects -- such as massive species extinctions and melting of ice sheets -- that could be irreversible within a human lifetime. Under the most conservative IPCC scenario, the increase will be 4.5 degrees by 2100. Source: Washington Post http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/02/AR2007020201754.html
How does this position of fact divide and demoralize? I’m so glad you asked!
It divides those who think (think Intelligence Designed, if you will) from those who don’t (think Pinheads.)
Even God wants us to protect his creation and he went to a great deal of trouble to get His message across.
John 3:16: “God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son…” (Emphasis mine.)
I’m not sure which Hebrew word was used in the original. “Eretz” means land or country and “tebel” is defined as “habitable earth.” Either way, unless these evangelicals have another world stashed nearby that I’m not aware of, I think God meant Earth.
Anyone who has driven behind a diesel vehicle with an expired smog certificate can plainly see that we’re not doing the world any favors by continuing to burn fossil fuels. And anyone who has been behind lardasses trying to go through the express line with 42 bags of kettle chips knows that we could all stand to do a tad more exercise. We need clean air for all that panting, puffing and wheezing, an excellent name for a law firm.
I don’t know about you but I’m an oxygen junkie. Just love it, can’t live without it, gotta have it. I like breathing air I cannot see or chew.
Now you’ll notice that God so loved the world. It doesn’t say that God only loved the people and not the plants or animals. It doesn’t say that God only loves some of the people. Since God made us all in His image, I take that to mean that God is pretty awesome. He is multicolored, can hear prayers in all languages and dialects and probably doesn’t really care which political system we employ as long as we don’t end up killing each other over deciding which one to go with.
Let’s not forget that Satan cannot create anything. Satan can only destroy. He must really delight when we decide that we only like and approve of some of God’s creations and not others.
James C. Dobson and Tony Perkins, president of the Family research Council state that the “great moral issues of our time are defined as abortion, homosexuality and teaching children sexual morality and abstinence.”
These gentlemen and others claim to be Christians whom I define as those who follow Christ and His teachings. I’ve studied numerous Bible indexes by subject. Jesus was quoted on the subject of abortion zero times. He commented on homosexuality zero times. He preached on children’s sexual morality zero times.
However, Jesus was quoted 27 times on the poor and our obligations to them. He mentioned giving and humility over ten times each. He admonished us not to pray in public and one would assume that would include praying on television for Supreme Court Justices or other political figures to die, I’m looking at you, Pat Robertson.
I don’t know how you can get any more specific like Jesus did when He said, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.” Matthew 23:23.
If I were one who would admonishing the public to ignore the environment and dismiss global warming as a divisive issue, I would be most concerned about what Jesus spoke about 21 times.
Mercy.
“The issue that is dividing and demoralizing the NAE and its leaders is related to global warming. If he cannot be trusted to articulate the views of American evangelicals on environmental issues, then we respectfully suggest that he be encouraged to resign his position in the NAE.”
Now, tell me; did you really wonder who was going to get my Slap O’ Sense Award this week?
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, made up of hundreds of scientists from 113 countries, said that based on new research over the last six years, it is 90 percent certain that human-generated greenhouse gases account for most of the global rise in temperatures over the past half-century. Declaring that "warming of the climate system is unequivocal," the authors said in their "Summary for Policymakers" that even in the best-case scenario, temperatures are on track to cross a threshold to an unsustainable level. A rise of more than 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit above pre-industrial levels would cause global effects -- such as massive species extinctions and melting of ice sheets -- that could be irreversible within a human lifetime. Under the most conservative IPCC scenario, the increase will be 4.5 degrees by 2100. Source: Washington Post http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/02/AR2007020201754.html
How does this position of fact divide and demoralize? I’m so glad you asked!
It divides those who think (think Intelligence Designed, if you will) from those who don’t (think Pinheads.)
Even God wants us to protect his creation and he went to a great deal of trouble to get His message across.
John 3:16: “God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son…” (Emphasis mine.)
I’m not sure which Hebrew word was used in the original. “Eretz” means land or country and “tebel” is defined as “habitable earth.” Either way, unless these evangelicals have another world stashed nearby that I’m not aware of, I think God meant Earth.
Anyone who has driven behind a diesel vehicle with an expired smog certificate can plainly see that we’re not doing the world any favors by continuing to burn fossil fuels. And anyone who has been behind lardasses trying to go through the express line with 42 bags of kettle chips knows that we could all stand to do a tad more exercise. We need clean air for all that panting, puffing and wheezing, an excellent name for a law firm.
I don’t know about you but I’m an oxygen junkie. Just love it, can’t live without it, gotta have it. I like breathing air I cannot see or chew.
Now you’ll notice that God so loved the world. It doesn’t say that God only loved the people and not the plants or animals. It doesn’t say that God only loves some of the people. Since God made us all in His image, I take that to mean that God is pretty awesome. He is multicolored, can hear prayers in all languages and dialects and probably doesn’t really care which political system we employ as long as we don’t end up killing each other over deciding which one to go with.
Let’s not forget that Satan cannot create anything. Satan can only destroy. He must really delight when we decide that we only like and approve of some of God’s creations and not others.
James C. Dobson and Tony Perkins, president of the Family research Council state that the “great moral issues of our time are defined as abortion, homosexuality and teaching children sexual morality and abstinence.”
These gentlemen and others claim to be Christians whom I define as those who follow Christ and His teachings. I’ve studied numerous Bible indexes by subject. Jesus was quoted on the subject of abortion zero times. He commented on homosexuality zero times. He preached on children’s sexual morality zero times.
However, Jesus was quoted 27 times on the poor and our obligations to them. He mentioned giving and humility over ten times each. He admonished us not to pray in public and one would assume that would include praying on television for Supreme Court Justices or other political figures to die, I’m looking at you, Pat Robertson.
I don’t know how you can get any more specific like Jesus did when He said, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.” Matthew 23:23.
If I were one who would admonishing the public to ignore the environment and dismiss global warming as a divisive issue, I would be most concerned about what Jesus spoke about 21 times.
Mercy.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Potential Mt. Hood Climbers
Today’s Slap O’ Sense Award goes to anyone even considering hiking up Mt. Hood in the winter season.
You pinheads.
Don’t give me this crap about the “challenge” of it all. If the deaths of over 130 climbers trying to either reach the peak at 11,249 feet or trying to get back down doesn’t send a message, I’m sorry, you are simply too stupid to live.
When one of you gets lost, a whole slew of individuals and organizations rally to try and find you, putting themselves at risk. Never mind the financial cost since most of these groups are volunteers, you are risking innocent, and one would assume, smarter people’s lives all so you can live the high life with gusto in Marlboro Country.
Please, I beg of you, just do drugs instead. Then, you’ll only be hurting yourself and everyone else can stay home where it’s dry and warm.
Normally, I wouldn’t even care if a whole busload of climbers wanted to shinny up the mountain wearing only Speedos but now they are fighting Oregon state lawmakers who are considering making it mandatory for climbers to carry an electronic locator unit. This device is small, about the size of a pair of sunglasses, and will help the brave rescue and recovery crews find your sorry ass when you find out it’s impossible to know which way is up when you’re in the middle of a white-out, an occurrence that happens quite frequently IN THE WINTER.
I don’t about the mountains where you idiots are home based are like but the mountains in our reality have snow and in the winter, the mountains get more snow. It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
Furthermore, the mountains in Oregon are not like Disneyland. There are no guides carrying red flags to show you the way. Taxis are even harder to flag down than they are in New York City. There are no snack stands, bathrooms or gift shops anywhere. Woodland creatures will not burst into song at any time. There are no marked trails; it’s called wilderness for a reason.
Recently, there were three hikers that were rescued on the mountain after falling off an icy ledge. They were rescued because they had one of these devices and also because they brought their dog.
Why, I do not know, although it seems by snuggling around the canine for extra warmth, none of the three suffered serious hypothermia. Yay for the dog, Velvet, the black Labrador mix, but as anyone who has ever come in contact with a Lab can tell you; they don’t get their brains for at least three years. I don’t know what the hikers’ collective excuse was, however.
But by using their personal locator unit, the exercise was a rescue mission, not a recovery effort.
So if you insist on demonstrating your complete lack of intelligence and logical thinking, for the sake of the rescue team, please take one of these devices with you. If you refuse, for the sake of expediency, please leave your final will and testament at the base of the mountain.
You pinheads.
Don’t give me this crap about the “challenge” of it all. If the deaths of over 130 climbers trying to either reach the peak at 11,249 feet or trying to get back down doesn’t send a message, I’m sorry, you are simply too stupid to live.
When one of you gets lost, a whole slew of individuals and organizations rally to try and find you, putting themselves at risk. Never mind the financial cost since most of these groups are volunteers, you are risking innocent, and one would assume, smarter people’s lives all so you can live the high life with gusto in Marlboro Country.
Please, I beg of you, just do drugs instead. Then, you’ll only be hurting yourself and everyone else can stay home where it’s dry and warm.
Normally, I wouldn’t even care if a whole busload of climbers wanted to shinny up the mountain wearing only Speedos but now they are fighting Oregon state lawmakers who are considering making it mandatory for climbers to carry an electronic locator unit. This device is small, about the size of a pair of sunglasses, and will help the brave rescue and recovery crews find your sorry ass when you find out it’s impossible to know which way is up when you’re in the middle of a white-out, an occurrence that happens quite frequently IN THE WINTER.
I don’t about the mountains where you idiots are home based are like but the mountains in our reality have snow and in the winter, the mountains get more snow. It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
Furthermore, the mountains in Oregon are not like Disneyland. There are no guides carrying red flags to show you the way. Taxis are even harder to flag down than they are in New York City. There are no snack stands, bathrooms or gift shops anywhere. Woodland creatures will not burst into song at any time. There are no marked trails; it’s called wilderness for a reason.
Recently, there were three hikers that were rescued on the mountain after falling off an icy ledge. They were rescued because they had one of these devices and also because they brought their dog.
Why, I do not know, although it seems by snuggling around the canine for extra warmth, none of the three suffered serious hypothermia. Yay for the dog, Velvet, the black Labrador mix, but as anyone who has ever come in contact with a Lab can tell you; they don’t get their brains for at least three years. I don’t know what the hikers’ collective excuse was, however.
But by using their personal locator unit, the exercise was a rescue mission, not a recovery effort.
So if you insist on demonstrating your complete lack of intelligence and logical thinking, for the sake of the rescue team, please take one of these devices with you. If you refuse, for the sake of expediency, please leave your final will and testament at the base of the mountain.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Half a Pair
Today’s Slap O’ Sense award goes to those who feel they are incomplete without a mate.
Case in point: the NASA astronaut who sped across the country to accost her romantic rival.
Now in this particular instance, it would seem that there is more than your normal-everyday psychosis going on here. Still, there are many others who, maybe not having yet gone to such extremes, still need a Slap O’ Sense.
My two children are in their teen years. My eldest is about to turn 16 and his sister is 14. I have consciously and, at times, forcefully drilled into them that they should each consider themselves to be a “great catch.”
“You are worthy!” “You are valuable!” “Anyone you choose to love would be the luckiest person in the world!”
I do this because I was constantly bombarded with messages that were the complete opposite. In fact, even now, my family likes to play a game where they argue over which in-law has it the worst: my brother’s wife, my sister’s husband or my own Beloved Spouse.
Beloved Spouse is the usual winner.
And while I AM the luckiest person in the world for having been chosen by Beloved Spouse, I know that not all are so blessed.
I have several single friends and for the life of me, I do not know why they aren’t paired up. Each one is such a wonderful, lovable person. I can only conclude that others are simply blinded by their superiority and feel too shy to approach their majesty. It has to be either that or that my single friends are surrounded by idiots.
After being Beloved Spouse’s wife for almost 27 years, I know that I’ll never marry again. Nope, after I wear this one out, I’m not looking to buy once more. I know why it’s usually young people who get married. By the time you’re my age, you’re too tired to go through that crap.
But the time is rapidly approaching when the two fruit of my womb will be on the market. So, just in case they weren’t listening (and you just know they haven’t been) here it is in writing, Mom’s Three Rules of Love. They may not be original but I think they sum it up well.
RULE NUMBER ONE: Don’t settle. You are a beautiful, caring, important child of God. You deserve the best and should not sell out for anything less. Your love is a worthy prize and the recipient had better damn well appreciate it. If they don’t, see Rule Number Two.
RULE NUMBER TWO: Get another one. If the one you’re with doesn’t cherish you for all your mighty fine qualities, it’s time to go shopping. They’re making more men and women daily and if yours doesn’t satisfy, move on. It’s their loss; not yours.
RULE NUMBER THREE: It’s better to be alone than to wish you were. You want someone to love on and clean up after and feed and comfort and fret over who doesn’t respect you? Get a cat. You want someone who thinks everything you do is perfect and will never ever question you or urge you to improve yourself and will not patiently support you while you grow? Get a dog.
But if you are looking for a life partner, wait. There is someone out there who will love you and hold you up when you need it, love you in spite of and because of your faults but who will also have the courage to tenderly call attention to non-healthy behaviors. Somewhere there is a very lucky soul who is looking for someone just like you. That someone will love you when you’re done up pretty and love you while you’re puking and have a snotty nose. One who is your equal and has no desire to be your superior or inferior. Because God wants us to be happy, you will find this soul mate at the time you are being true to yourself and are shining out your wonderfulness for all to see.
Until then, know that your mom will always love you. Don’t make me yell just to hear my head roar. And sit up straight.
Case in point: the NASA astronaut who sped across the country to accost her romantic rival.
Now in this particular instance, it would seem that there is more than your normal-everyday psychosis going on here. Still, there are many others who, maybe not having yet gone to such extremes, still need a Slap O’ Sense.
My two children are in their teen years. My eldest is about to turn 16 and his sister is 14. I have consciously and, at times, forcefully drilled into them that they should each consider themselves to be a “great catch.”
“You are worthy!” “You are valuable!” “Anyone you choose to love would be the luckiest person in the world!”
I do this because I was constantly bombarded with messages that were the complete opposite. In fact, even now, my family likes to play a game where they argue over which in-law has it the worst: my brother’s wife, my sister’s husband or my own Beloved Spouse.
Beloved Spouse is the usual winner.
And while I AM the luckiest person in the world for having been chosen by Beloved Spouse, I know that not all are so blessed.
I have several single friends and for the life of me, I do not know why they aren’t paired up. Each one is such a wonderful, lovable person. I can only conclude that others are simply blinded by their superiority and feel too shy to approach their majesty. It has to be either that or that my single friends are surrounded by idiots.
After being Beloved Spouse’s wife for almost 27 years, I know that I’ll never marry again. Nope, after I wear this one out, I’m not looking to buy once more. I know why it’s usually young people who get married. By the time you’re my age, you’re too tired to go through that crap.
But the time is rapidly approaching when the two fruit of my womb will be on the market. So, just in case they weren’t listening (and you just know they haven’t been) here it is in writing, Mom’s Three Rules of Love. They may not be original but I think they sum it up well.
RULE NUMBER ONE: Don’t settle. You are a beautiful, caring, important child of God. You deserve the best and should not sell out for anything less. Your love is a worthy prize and the recipient had better damn well appreciate it. If they don’t, see Rule Number Two.
RULE NUMBER TWO: Get another one. If the one you’re with doesn’t cherish you for all your mighty fine qualities, it’s time to go shopping. They’re making more men and women daily and if yours doesn’t satisfy, move on. It’s their loss; not yours.
RULE NUMBER THREE: It’s better to be alone than to wish you were. You want someone to love on and clean up after and feed and comfort and fret over who doesn’t respect you? Get a cat. You want someone who thinks everything you do is perfect and will never ever question you or urge you to improve yourself and will not patiently support you while you grow? Get a dog.
But if you are looking for a life partner, wait. There is someone out there who will love you and hold you up when you need it, love you in spite of and because of your faults but who will also have the courage to tenderly call attention to non-healthy behaviors. Somewhere there is a very lucky soul who is looking for someone just like you. That someone will love you when you’re done up pretty and love you while you’re puking and have a snotty nose. One who is your equal and has no desire to be your superior or inferior. Because God wants us to be happy, you will find this soul mate at the time you are being true to yourself and are shining out your wonderfulness for all to see.
Until then, know that your mom will always love you. Don’t make me yell just to hear my head roar. And sit up straight.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Slap O' Sense Award Creative Cops 1/23/07
Today’s Slap O’ Sense Award goes to any and all who accuse law enforcement of lacking imaginative ways of fighting crime.
Oh boy, are you wrong.
In all fairness, sometimes police officers do exactly what you expect them to. They arrest the bad guys, help the good guys and eat any suspicious-looking donuts.
Yay.
They even go above and beyond the call of duty. Such as the off-duty policeman who followed San Diego Chargers’ Steve Foley erratically-driven automobile for 20 miles outside his jurisdiction and, after Foley got out of his car, shot him, but only after he shot a “warning shot into the bushes and two shots toward the sky.”
I always thought “toward the sky” meant “up” but maybe they do things differently in Coronado.
That would never happen in Oregon where I live now. Here law enforcement officers of all departments are fully aware of the stiff penalties that can result from shooting an unarmed shrubbery. We not only hug our trees here; we hug the bushes as best as we can but it’s kind of hard because they have so many pokey things.
I think that’s the state motto.
But don’t think they’re too quick to play cops and robbers only in southern California. If you’re a criminal, be grateful you don’t live in Kenya. There the police shoot the suspects rather than go to the trouble of arresting them.
I kid you not.
Over a seven-year period, 70 percent of all gunshot deaths were a result of police bullets. And get this; it doesn’t work!
The Commission Chairman said “Police have been killing robbery suspects for more than ten years but this has not deterred criminal activity.”
I guess killing suspects without due process is not considered a “criminal activity.” Either that or the robbery suspects are too slow to outrun bullets or just dumber than dirt. Here are words to live by: If you’re going to commit robbery don’t do it in Texas or Kenya.
Brazil’s civil police regularly use torture to extract forced confessions and THEN do the investigation.
I guess it would cut down on the paperwork but personally, I would rather they sacrifice a few rain forests in the interests of justice.
What I truly appreciate is those creative departments who use music.
The Waco Incident was reported as a widespread failure on the part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) because of the botched raid and subsequent “early exit” by the members of the Branch Davidian cult.
What was underreported was that during the siege, the ATF blasted “music, including Tibetan chants and Christmas music through the night to disorientate Koresh and his followers.”
By the third chorus of “Sleigh Bells,” anyone would contemplate suicide. Throw in some Tibetan chants and I think we’d all march off the cliff like lemmings.
President Manuel Noriega of Panama was also tortured during the military standoff. Heavy metal and hip-hop music was blasted in order “to try to get the General to surrender.” It worked but Amnesty International has filed a protest.
An Australian local council in Rockdale is using “Barry Manilow and Doris Day to chase away car enthusiasts who were gathering on weekend nights.”
However, residents living near the park are quite upset. “They say the barrage of ‘Copacabana,’ ‘Could It Be Magic,’ and ‘Que Sera Sera’ blasting from 9 pm to midnight every Friday, Saturday and Sunday is driving them crazy.”
Point well taken. I’m not sure the Australian authorities have thought this all the way through. Do they really want residents and car enthusiasts en masse shaving their heads in anguish and committing gory suicide like the Branch Davidians? A bunch of angry, bald and enraged Australians on the verge of despair may be yet another sign of the Apocalypse. If it’s not; it should be.
While I normally would applaud creativity and ingenuity in fighting crime, I think the Tijuana Police force may need to adjust tactics. Currently, they are defending themselves with slingshots.
Two weeks ago President Calderon sent more than 3000 soldiers and federal police to the area to hunt down drug gangs. But some of these same officers of the law decided to use their guns to help the traffickers. So, the police department “has issued 60 slingshots and bags of ball bearings to officers still on patrol.”
King David not withstanding, I really don’t think slingshots and ball bearings are going to be effective against Goliath drug dealers.
I’m sorry but my pitiful imagination just can’t see that.
www.lynetteisfunny.com
www.slaposense.com
Oh boy, are you wrong.
In all fairness, sometimes police officers do exactly what you expect them to. They arrest the bad guys, help the good guys and eat any suspicious-looking donuts.
Yay.
They even go above and beyond the call of duty. Such as the off-duty policeman who followed San Diego Chargers’ Steve Foley erratically-driven automobile for 20 miles outside his jurisdiction and, after Foley got out of his car, shot him, but only after he shot a “warning shot into the bushes and two shots toward the sky.”
I always thought “toward the sky” meant “up” but maybe they do things differently in Coronado.
That would never happen in Oregon where I live now. Here law enforcement officers of all departments are fully aware of the stiff penalties that can result from shooting an unarmed shrubbery. We not only hug our trees here; we hug the bushes as best as we can but it’s kind of hard because they have so many pokey things.
I think that’s the state motto.
But don’t think they’re too quick to play cops and robbers only in southern California. If you’re a criminal, be grateful you don’t live in Kenya. There the police shoot the suspects rather than go to the trouble of arresting them.
I kid you not.
Over a seven-year period, 70 percent of all gunshot deaths were a result of police bullets. And get this; it doesn’t work!
The Commission Chairman said “Police have been killing robbery suspects for more than ten years but this has not deterred criminal activity.”
I guess killing suspects without due process is not considered a “criminal activity.” Either that or the robbery suspects are too slow to outrun bullets or just dumber than dirt. Here are words to live by: If you’re going to commit robbery don’t do it in Texas or Kenya.
Brazil’s civil police regularly use torture to extract forced confessions and THEN do the investigation.
I guess it would cut down on the paperwork but personally, I would rather they sacrifice a few rain forests in the interests of justice.
What I truly appreciate is those creative departments who use music.
The Waco Incident was reported as a widespread failure on the part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) because of the botched raid and subsequent “early exit” by the members of the Branch Davidian cult.
What was underreported was that during the siege, the ATF blasted “music, including Tibetan chants and Christmas music through the night to disorientate Koresh and his followers.”
By the third chorus of “Sleigh Bells,” anyone would contemplate suicide. Throw in some Tibetan chants and I think we’d all march off the cliff like lemmings.
President Manuel Noriega of Panama was also tortured during the military standoff. Heavy metal and hip-hop music was blasted in order “to try to get the General to surrender.” It worked but Amnesty International has filed a protest.
An Australian local council in Rockdale is using “Barry Manilow and Doris Day to chase away car enthusiasts who were gathering on weekend nights.”
However, residents living near the park are quite upset. “They say the barrage of ‘Copacabana,’ ‘Could It Be Magic,’ and ‘Que Sera Sera’ blasting from 9 pm to midnight every Friday, Saturday and Sunday is driving them crazy.”
Point well taken. I’m not sure the Australian authorities have thought this all the way through. Do they really want residents and car enthusiasts en masse shaving their heads in anguish and committing gory suicide like the Branch Davidians? A bunch of angry, bald and enraged Australians on the verge of despair may be yet another sign of the Apocalypse. If it’s not; it should be.
While I normally would applaud creativity and ingenuity in fighting crime, I think the Tijuana Police force may need to adjust tactics. Currently, they are defending themselves with slingshots.
Two weeks ago President Calderon sent more than 3000 soldiers and federal police to the area to hunt down drug gangs. But some of these same officers of the law decided to use their guns to help the traffickers. So, the police department “has issued 60 slingshots and bags of ball bearings to officers still on patrol.”
King David not withstanding, I really don’t think slingshots and ball bearings are going to be effective against Goliath drug dealers.
I’m sorry but my pitiful imagination just can’t see that.
www.lynetteisfunny.com
www.slaposense.com
Monday, January 22, 2007
Secret Service Slap O' Sense Award 1/22/07
Today’s Slap O’ Sense award goes to (insert drum roll here) The United States Secret Service!
Please hold your applause until after hearing the entire list of honored activities. You will truly be amazed and your hands will thank you for waiting to clap until the end. They will probably show their appreciation with the famous yoga position: (POBACA) Patting Oneself on the Back While Attempting to Cover One’s Ass.
The Secret Service not only has a Vision Statement, they also have a Mission Statement. We all know how completely useless it would be to have one and not the other. Truly a wise expenditure of your tax money, indeed.
VISION STATEMENT
"Building on a Tradition of Excellence and Meeting the Challenges of the Future."
MISSION STATEMENT
The United States Secret Service is mandated by statute and executive order to carry out two significant missions: protection and criminal investigations. The Secret Service protects the President and Vice President, their families, heads of state, and other designated individuals; investigates threats against these protectees; protects the White House, Vice President’s Residence, Foreign Missions, and other buildings within Washington, D.C.; and plans and implements security designs for designated National Special Security Events. The Secret Service also investigates violations of laws relating to counterfeiting of obligations and securities of the United States; financial crimes that include, but are not limited to, access device fraud, financial institution fraud, identity theft, computer fraud; and computer-based attacks on our nation’s financial, banking, and telecommunications infrastructure.
Wow! Try to get that on a t-shirt or bumper sticker! Of course, you can’t because that would probably earn you a visit from The Secret Service which would be only slightly less credible than Men In Black. Just a warning: if you have a pug named Frank, he may be confiscated.
Your Secret Service organization has been very hard at work of late. So many of their triumphs and tribulations go unreported which is a shame given how much we all need to laugh so hard we wet ourselves on occasion.
For example, (and you knew there would be multiple examples; didn’t you?) consider this recent Press Release.
“The United States Secret Service today (March 28, 2006) made public an ongoing undercover operation called Operation Rolling Stone which has targeted online fraud and identity theft through criminal web forums since 2005.”
Maybe it’s just an argument in semantics but once an “ongoing undercover operation” is “made public,” doesn’t it cease to be undercover? I know, I know: po-tay-to, po-tah-to, but I think it’s a point that must be made.
The more serious aspect though is that there is every indication that despite having the world’s strongest military force, Mick Jagger has infiltrated the highest level of our government. Our parents warned us about The Rolling Stones and their “devil music” and long hair and ugly clothes. Well, are you happy now Hippie Generation? If Secret Service agents are photographed in vertically-striped pants and Keith Richards hair, we have only ourselves to blame now don’t we?
And I’m sure I speak for all when I say the very sight of a Secret Service agent “boogying down” is not a sight for the faint of heart or the hairless of chest. Dark shades do not a cool dude make.
But the real crisis in Secret Service Land is of a more sinister nature. Apparently, they have Too Much Time on Their Hands which is a song by Styx. Do you really need another sign of the Apocalypse?
Back in October of 2006, the Secret Service in their role of Protector (see Mission Statement above) decided our President was in danger from a 20-year-old college student who posted the following statement:
“Save a tree. Kill a Bush.”
Don’t you all feel much safer now? I know I do. We can’t have tree-hugging individuals running around unfettered when we are a Country At War. For God’s sakes; anyone can see that being “green” is just handing over the USA to the terrorists in a hand basket. Let’s just give them the apple pie while we’re at it.
Also around that time of year, the Secret Service was busy, busy, busy on that major threat to motherhood, God and chocolate-chip cookies, MySpace.
A fourteen-year-old high schooler was taken out of class for making death threats against the President. She had written “Kill Bush” on her MySpace page but without the “Save Tree” comment. So, she wasn’t a complete communist like the college student was.
The young lady said the Secret Service agents “…yelled at me a lot. They were unnecessarily mean.”
We all know that the function of the United States Secret Service is to be ONLY necessarily mean. But even the best of government organizations can slip up once or twice.
Or three times.
An 81-year-old man in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania received a visit because he wrote a letter to the editor of his local newspaper.
He wrote the following regarding Saddam Hussein’s execution: “They hanged the wrong man.”
May I point out that he did not write who he thought the “right man” would be? May I also point out that of all the threats our country is facing: gay marriage, water bottles on airplanes, ugly hybrid cars, Bill O’ Reilly appearing on The Colbert Report, Fox news and “Family Guy,” that 81-year-old letter-writing angry, old men are just at the top of any list that would make a lick of sense.
So slurp it up United States Secret Service. You have received The Slap O’ Sense. Keep up the good work.
There are unemployed humor writers EVERYWHERE.
Please hold your applause until after hearing the entire list of honored activities. You will truly be amazed and your hands will thank you for waiting to clap until the end. They will probably show their appreciation with the famous yoga position: (POBACA) Patting Oneself on the Back While Attempting to Cover One’s Ass.
The Secret Service not only has a Vision Statement, they also have a Mission Statement. We all know how completely useless it would be to have one and not the other. Truly a wise expenditure of your tax money, indeed.
VISION STATEMENT
"Building on a Tradition of Excellence and Meeting the Challenges of the Future."
MISSION STATEMENT
The United States Secret Service is mandated by statute and executive order to carry out two significant missions: protection and criminal investigations. The Secret Service protects the President and Vice President, their families, heads of state, and other designated individuals; investigates threats against these protectees; protects the White House, Vice President’s Residence, Foreign Missions, and other buildings within Washington, D.C.; and plans and implements security designs for designated National Special Security Events. The Secret Service also investigates violations of laws relating to counterfeiting of obligations and securities of the United States; financial crimes that include, but are not limited to, access device fraud, financial institution fraud, identity theft, computer fraud; and computer-based attacks on our nation’s financial, banking, and telecommunications infrastructure.
Wow! Try to get that on a t-shirt or bumper sticker! Of course, you can’t because that would probably earn you a visit from The Secret Service which would be only slightly less credible than Men In Black. Just a warning: if you have a pug named Frank, he may be confiscated.
Your Secret Service organization has been very hard at work of late. So many of their triumphs and tribulations go unreported which is a shame given how much we all need to laugh so hard we wet ourselves on occasion.
For example, (and you knew there would be multiple examples; didn’t you?) consider this recent Press Release.
“The United States Secret Service today (March 28, 2006) made public an ongoing undercover operation called Operation Rolling Stone which has targeted online fraud and identity theft through criminal web forums since 2005.”
Maybe it’s just an argument in semantics but once an “ongoing undercover operation” is “made public,” doesn’t it cease to be undercover? I know, I know: po-tay-to, po-tah-to, but I think it’s a point that must be made.
The more serious aspect though is that there is every indication that despite having the world’s strongest military force, Mick Jagger has infiltrated the highest level of our government. Our parents warned us about The Rolling Stones and their “devil music” and long hair and ugly clothes. Well, are you happy now Hippie Generation? If Secret Service agents are photographed in vertically-striped pants and Keith Richards hair, we have only ourselves to blame now don’t we?
And I’m sure I speak for all when I say the very sight of a Secret Service agent “boogying down” is not a sight for the faint of heart or the hairless of chest. Dark shades do not a cool dude make.
But the real crisis in Secret Service Land is of a more sinister nature. Apparently, they have Too Much Time on Their Hands which is a song by Styx. Do you really need another sign of the Apocalypse?
Back in October of 2006, the Secret Service in their role of Protector (see Mission Statement above) decided our President was in danger from a 20-year-old college student who posted the following statement:
“Save a tree. Kill a Bush.”
Don’t you all feel much safer now? I know I do. We can’t have tree-hugging individuals running around unfettered when we are a Country At War. For God’s sakes; anyone can see that being “green” is just handing over the USA to the terrorists in a hand basket. Let’s just give them the apple pie while we’re at it.
Also around that time of year, the Secret Service was busy, busy, busy on that major threat to motherhood, God and chocolate-chip cookies, MySpace.
A fourteen-year-old high schooler was taken out of class for making death threats against the President. She had written “Kill Bush” on her MySpace page but without the “Save Tree” comment. So, she wasn’t a complete communist like the college student was.
The young lady said the Secret Service agents “…yelled at me a lot. They were unnecessarily mean.”
We all know that the function of the United States Secret Service is to be ONLY necessarily mean. But even the best of government organizations can slip up once or twice.
Or three times.
An 81-year-old man in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania received a visit because he wrote a letter to the editor of his local newspaper.
He wrote the following regarding Saddam Hussein’s execution: “They hanged the wrong man.”
May I point out that he did not write who he thought the “right man” would be? May I also point out that of all the threats our country is facing: gay marriage, water bottles on airplanes, ugly hybrid cars, Bill O’ Reilly appearing on The Colbert Report, Fox news and “Family Guy,” that 81-year-old letter-writing angry, old men are just at the top of any list that would make a lick of sense.
So slurp it up United States Secret Service. You have received The Slap O’ Sense. Keep up the good work.
There are unemployed humor writers EVERYWHERE.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Hi and welcome to Slap O' Sense!
Life goes on. With or without my approval or cooperation; life does go on.
If being a lifelong San Diego Chargers and Padres fan has taught me anything, there IS always next year.
But I think I my skill for heavy sighing is at an Olympic level.
My heart has been broken so many times; I should have a Band-Aid tattooed on my chest. Or maybe a giant arrow with the following directions: If your team lost again, then stomp here.
Sigh.
The San Diego Chargers started in Los Angeles in the American Football League in 1960. They moved to San Diego in 1961 and I arrived shortly thereafter.
Kind of a Zen-cosmic connection, don’t you think?
The San Diego Padres arrived in 1969 and Mr. Ray Kroc saved the franchise in 1974 thereby doubling my pain and misery.
You see, I have no choice. My home town is San Diego and no matter how long I’ve lived in Oregon (ten years,) San Diego will always be home.
Just because the Chargers have been eliminated from the playoffs doesn’t mean I’m going to switch allegiances. What, you expect me to cheer for the Patriots, Colts, Bears or Saints?
Right.
The Chargers had another infamous period in the team history that revolved around the selection and signing of Ryan Leaf as quarterback.
Ryan Leaf was, how should I put this: special. So special, that my best friend Nancy, who is also a lifelong Chargers and Padres fan, and I offered our services to the team.
Nancy has been an elementary school teacher in the San Diego Unified School District for lo, these many years. She teaches fourth grade. I have been a mother for almost 16 years and am currently living with. and not killing at all, two teenagers. Between the two of us, we don’t tolerate a great deal.
So when Ryan Leaf chose to express himself in, what we believed to be, unacceptable terms, we thoughtfully and without any consideration for our own personal glory, mind you, offered to “counsel” Mr. Leaf.
We figured that in our shared effort, it would take about a week or so to “educate” the Chargers quarterback in the proper way of behaving. Nancy preferred the use of a cattle prod while I leaned more heavily toward the Indiana Jones-type of bullwhip. My thinking was that I would also get to wear that cool hat.
Believe it or not, the San Diego Chargers organization did not respond to our kind and generous offer. Incredible though it may be, apparently there are all kinds of pesky laws and legal liability issues involved.
This year, there is more than one player who prevented Nancy and me from enjoying watching our beloved Chargers in the Super Bowl. Far be it from me to name names but know that LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers are not two of them. I understand the correct football terminology would be, “Duh!” But there are others. Many, many others. And they know who they are. Obviously, the cost of multiple cattle prods and/or Indiana Jones-type bullwhips would be prohibitive; therefore I have come up with an alternate solution for this year’s players in need of gentle correction.
Once you hear of my idea, if you have any venture capital lying around the house, you will not be able to restrain yourself from flinging it in my general direction. I may set up a PayPal account just for this purpose alone.
I call it The Slap O’ Sense. I have even set up my very own blog so that you may add your own suggestions of those who deserve and/or need The Slap O’ Sense.
Think about it. Politicians, world leaders, public figures of any ilk and sort, celebrities, football players, idiots who are incapable of using the self-check yet insist on attempting to do so in front of you, religious icons, talk-show hosts, annoying drivers of automobiles who refuse to use their turn signals correctly would all be eligible for The Slap O’ Sense. Imagine how much better the world, in general, and your own life, in particular, would be if you could respond to irritations, large and small, with the Slap O’ Sense. It wouldn’t leave scars like cattle prods and bullwhips, it’s quick and easy to use, and oh, how much better everyone would feel afterwards. You would be able to express yourself succinctly and distinctly, the individual or group would receive much needed correction and we could all sit down for a hot chocolate-chip cookie afterwards.
You can go here to www.slaposense.com and let your voice be heard. Just a word of advice: don’t pound the keyboard too hard. If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to conserve your strength to type your entire list.
If being a lifelong San Diego Chargers and Padres fan has taught me anything, there IS always next year.
But I think I my skill for heavy sighing is at an Olympic level.
My heart has been broken so many times; I should have a Band-Aid tattooed on my chest. Or maybe a giant arrow with the following directions: If your team lost again, then stomp here.
Sigh.
The San Diego Chargers started in Los Angeles in the American Football League in 1960. They moved to San Diego in 1961 and I arrived shortly thereafter.
Kind of a Zen-cosmic connection, don’t you think?
The San Diego Padres arrived in 1969 and Mr. Ray Kroc saved the franchise in 1974 thereby doubling my pain and misery.
You see, I have no choice. My home town is San Diego and no matter how long I’ve lived in Oregon (ten years,) San Diego will always be home.
Just because the Chargers have been eliminated from the playoffs doesn’t mean I’m going to switch allegiances. What, you expect me to cheer for the Patriots, Colts, Bears or Saints?
Right.
The Chargers had another infamous period in the team history that revolved around the selection and signing of Ryan Leaf as quarterback.
Ryan Leaf was, how should I put this: special. So special, that my best friend Nancy, who is also a lifelong Chargers and Padres fan, and I offered our services to the team.
Nancy has been an elementary school teacher in the San Diego Unified School District for lo, these many years. She teaches fourth grade. I have been a mother for almost 16 years and am currently living with. and not killing at all, two teenagers. Between the two of us, we don’t tolerate a great deal.
So when Ryan Leaf chose to express himself in, what we believed to be, unacceptable terms, we thoughtfully and without any consideration for our own personal glory, mind you, offered to “counsel” Mr. Leaf.
We figured that in our shared effort, it would take about a week or so to “educate” the Chargers quarterback in the proper way of behaving. Nancy preferred the use of a cattle prod while I leaned more heavily toward the Indiana Jones-type of bullwhip. My thinking was that I would also get to wear that cool hat.
Believe it or not, the San Diego Chargers organization did not respond to our kind and generous offer. Incredible though it may be, apparently there are all kinds of pesky laws and legal liability issues involved.
This year, there is more than one player who prevented Nancy and me from enjoying watching our beloved Chargers in the Super Bowl. Far be it from me to name names but know that LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers are not two of them. I understand the correct football terminology would be, “Duh!” But there are others. Many, many others. And they know who they are. Obviously, the cost of multiple cattle prods and/or Indiana Jones-type bullwhips would be prohibitive; therefore I have come up with an alternate solution for this year’s players in need of gentle correction.
Once you hear of my idea, if you have any venture capital lying around the house, you will not be able to restrain yourself from flinging it in my general direction. I may set up a PayPal account just for this purpose alone.
I call it The Slap O’ Sense. I have even set up my very own blog so that you may add your own suggestions of those who deserve and/or need The Slap O’ Sense.
Think about it. Politicians, world leaders, public figures of any ilk and sort, celebrities, football players, idiots who are incapable of using the self-check yet insist on attempting to do so in front of you, religious icons, talk-show hosts, annoying drivers of automobiles who refuse to use their turn signals correctly would all be eligible for The Slap O’ Sense. Imagine how much better the world, in general, and your own life, in particular, would be if you could respond to irritations, large and small, with the Slap O’ Sense. It wouldn’t leave scars like cattle prods and bullwhips, it’s quick and easy to use, and oh, how much better everyone would feel afterwards. You would be able to express yourself succinctly and distinctly, the individual or group would receive much needed correction and we could all sit down for a hot chocolate-chip cookie afterwards.
You can go here to www.slaposense.com and let your voice be heard. Just a word of advice: don’t pound the keyboard too hard. If you’re anything like me, you’ll need to conserve your strength to type your entire list.
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