Half a Pair

Today’s Slap O’ Sense award goes to those who feel they are incomplete without a mate.
Case in point: the NASA astronaut who sped across the country to accost her romantic rival.
Now in this particular instance, it would seem that there is more than your normal-everyday psychosis going on here. Still, there are many others who, maybe not having yet gone to such extremes, still need a Slap O’ Sense.
My two children are in their teen years. My eldest is about to turn 16 and his sister is 14. I have consciously and, at times, forcefully drilled into them that they should each consider themselves to be a “great catch.”
“You are worthy!” “You are valuable!” “Anyone you choose to love would be the luckiest person in the world!”
I do this because I was constantly bombarded with messages that were the complete opposite. In fact, even now, my family likes to play a game where they argue over which in-law has it the worst: my brother’s wife, my sister’s husband or my own Beloved Spouse.
Beloved Spouse is the usual winner.
And while I AM the luckiest person in the world for having been chosen by Beloved Spouse, I know that not all are so blessed.
I have several single friends and for the life of me, I do not know why they aren’t paired up. Each one is such a wonderful, lovable person. I can only conclude that others are simply blinded by their superiority and feel too shy to approach their majesty. It has to be either that or that my single friends are surrounded by idiots.
After being Beloved Spouse’s wife for almost 27 years, I know that I’ll never marry again. Nope, after I wear this one out, I’m not looking to buy once more. I know why it’s usually young people who get married. By the time you’re my age, you’re too tired to go through that crap.
But the time is rapidly approaching when the two fruit of my womb will be on the market. So, just in case they weren’t listening (and you just know they haven’t been) here it is in writing, Mom’s Three Rules of Love. They may not be original but I think they sum it up well.
RULE NUMBER ONE: Don’t settle. You are a beautiful, caring, important child of God. You deserve the best and should not sell out for anything less. Your love is a worthy prize and the recipient had better damn well appreciate it. If they don’t, see Rule Number Two.
RULE NUMBER TWO: Get another one. If the one you’re with doesn’t cherish you for all your mighty fine qualities, it’s time to go shopping. They’re making more men and women daily and if yours doesn’t satisfy, move on. It’s their loss; not yours.
RULE NUMBER THREE: It’s better to be alone than to wish you were. You want someone to love on and clean up after and feed and comfort and fret over who doesn’t respect you? Get a cat. You want someone who thinks everything you do is perfect and will never ever question you or urge you to improve yourself and will not patiently support you while you grow? Get a dog.
But if you are looking for a life partner, wait. There is someone out there who will love you and hold you up when you need it, love you in spite of and because of your faults but who will also have the courage to tenderly call attention to non-healthy behaviors. Somewhere there is a very lucky soul who is looking for someone just like you. That someone will love you when you’re done up pretty and love you while you’re puking and have a snotty nose. One who is your equal and has no desire to be your superior or inferior. Because God wants us to be happy, you will find this soul mate at the time you are being true to yourself and are shining out your wonderfulness for all to see.
Until then, know that your mom will always love you. Don’t make me yell just to hear my head roar. And sit up straight.